some stressors

I like to take care of my family... make sure things are ok, because stress lives in this house. Stress lives in a lot of homes...

I think back to a class I had in graduate school.  It was a social work class.. and we were talking about how to help families experiencing divorce. One of the techniques for children is to help them realize that the divorce is not because of them and they do not have to worry about it.  You teach them about the difference between the "child work" and the "parents work." The child's work is to keep focusing on school and working hard and all of those types of things.  The parent's work is to talk about the divorce, come to a consensus on it... stop blaming each other and never talk negative about the other when in presence of the child,  decide how they will make sure their child sees both of them and that the child's life continues to go smoothly, while the parents work out their issues.

I haven't seen many divorces in my lifetime, but I am certain that this really never happens. Children will feel at fault, parents will blame each other and argue, and chaos will continue in the household.

I think about this because, I try to make sure things go smoothly at home... I try to make sure my parent's have enough money.. that they are able to afford to live.. and that if they are ever low, I will chip in, even though I don't have enough money myself.  If I see the gas meter getting low on mom's car, I will offer to pay for some gas... if I see the fridge getting empty I will fill it up... I have taken over the expenses for the 4 cats in our house, even though 1 is mine and the others are from my sister and dad... I will buy take out for everyone in the house, if we have no food and I can't afford the groceries.. If a late notice comes for a bill I will offer to pay it off... if the cellphone bill for my parents is running high, I will pay it. If we are running out of household supplies I will buy them... I will put my needs on the back burner for my family any day of the week.

So this is where I wonder... I feel like I am doing the "parent's work." I am not the parent... I am the child, though now I am an adult living under their roof.  I should not be responsible for all of this.  My sister runs a muck and does her own thing, not contributing to the household at all. My brother moved out of state last year. and I am here... putting myself further behind, because I feel bad for my parents and feel like I need to help.

I am driving myself more into depression everyday, because when something comes up I feel that I am responsible to fix it. Like the car I mentioned a post or so ago.. how it needs a sticker for me to use it for my driving test. My parent's won't pay for it.. and because I want it badly I feel I need to pay for it, even though it's my dad's car. I know that if I ask a relative to borrow a car they will mock my family because we have so many cars, yet there is no car for me to use for my test and they will hold it over my head forever. I already get enough humiliation in my life and I already feel bad enough about things in my life... I don't need more from other people. I typed such a negative blog post earlier because I sit in my room everyday and think over the things I would do if I could, but I can't because I don't drive... because I am on a tight budget... because I have no friends near enough to me.  Then I try to force myself back to sleep, because there is no reason to wake up. It never works... so I spiral further into a depressed state and I spend a lot of time in it until some happy thought crosses my mind.

I have a great life and I should be happy about it, not sad, but I am stressed. Too stressed for too long.

Is this the life of the oldest child? Do others act and feel this way?

I'm so blessed in my life, but when I'm thinking about my parent's bills and money that I have and need to pay.. and when I realize how tight my budget is and get stressed out that I have no wiggle room to buy things to make me happy, I splurge... and then my budget is even more tight.

This is my life.

Love,
Amanda