wow..

this life is.... this life... makes me absolutely speechless.  There are times that are SO hard... so unbelievably hard and when you're in them.. all you can think is... how the HECK am I going to get out of here? Is there a way up? Am I doomed? You're not doomed.. don't go there in your mind. The more you put yourself there... the harder it is to get out.. self-doubt sets in.. you tumble down the hill of inspiration to the depths of wells with no end.. like a dark abyss.. but you can do it. you CAN! and if you try your best to stay strong and ask for help.. ask for a sign on what to do next.. if you're patient and listen and take everything in... observe... stay optimistic even when it's hard, then you will find your answer..

Recently I was talking to this guy who (btw.. ALWAYS trust your intuition, that little voice in you.. that little GUT feeling.. trust it. I don't know how, but it always knows best <3) seemed to be pressuring me into a relationship or even worse a marriage!! I am only 22 and I knew this guy for a VERY short amount of time. I am/was NOT ready to be that committed to him.  I didn't even know if I really liked him all that much.  We had very few things in common... so it was kinda iffy if I even wanted to keep talking to him.  Well I kept backing off and thinking 'it'll get better if i just ease back into talking to him' well.. it always ended up in the same place and my gut always said "GET OUT NOW!" but i didn't listen.. i'm stubborn.. i'd rather just wait and see.  This guy blew me off THREE times and I still kept talking to him.. how silly!! Well, we were supposed to hang out on MLK day since we both had off. (I would have liked to volunteer and I got an opportunity to, but I didn't realize it til after the day... ugh...) Anyway, so I looked at his facebook Monday and it said "_____ is now in a relationship" and I was FLOORED!  He had just been "SO" into me and so persistent with me.. for like.. a month and now he's suddenly dating?? It turns out he blew me off to go on a date with some other chick and now they're dating!!! I was so pissed off, but everything happens for a reason.. you know? So I just tried to be ok, but I wasn't.. I couldn't believe someone would do that to me. I always get the butt end of relationships.. you know? But I knew that he was being sneaky from the start. so it's better this way, right? I had asked life to give me a note about what to do with this guy and well I got my answer!! I didn't expect such a blow to my life, but... I wanted the message. After that I said "life.. please tell me what to do.. please give me a sign in this department" because I'm done.. I'm literally done trying to find a guy or a woman.. it never works for me and I'm just tired of it. So I'm letting life do what it does for me here..

Wouldn't you know that yesterday, after a long night of talking about my dream boy (who I posted about previously) he randomly texts me to tell me all about this anime he watched and how good it was.  Then he said he sounds gay from the way he is talking and i said "maybe you are!" haha.. and that was a funny bit of a convo.. then I thought I would throw in a little wrench to see what happened.. ahahha. and it worked.. it led to more good conversation...so then I asked him "when are you going to visit me?" because previously we talked and he said he only had a one week vacation and was going to visit his grandparents. Well... guess what. :) :) He tells me now that he has a TWO week vacation and he has been making some plans for a while to visit me during it!! He is going to visit his grandparents and then come see me. I was SHOCKED because he had just told me he only has one week and now he's telling me that he didn't want to tell me he was planning to visit me because he's just planning as of right now. OMG  OMG OMG. I almost cried. I am SO excited. Then we talked about htat for a second and then we talked about other random stuff... and he sent me a picture, which he does randomly, which i love!! and he is growing his hair out again!!! HOW FABULOUS! I'm not gonna say he's doing it for me, but I am going to say that I LOVE his hair long and he knows that. Then, he got NEW glasses! He used to wear small glasses... you know.. rectangle frames and such. Omg... he has this HOT black glasses with bigger frames... wow.. so we talked about how hot he looks for a little while too... lol. I try not to get to excited about this stuff, you know? because I don't know what will happen, but I am starting to gain more hope becausee..every time I ask life for a sign or a break or something of the sort, HE comes back into my life. He randomly messages me or starts talking to me... we have a super connection... he knows when i'm having a bad day and always texts me even though i didn't tell him about it and I have the same thing with him... I always happen to text him when he's having a bad day or he's depressed. Why would he be coming back around like this when I ask for help if it wasn't meant for something? Who knows what it's meant for.. I won't know until maybe 5-6 years from now? When I am happy in my home with my lover and maybe a marriage on the way? or a baby on the way if it's past that. Who knows. Regardless, I am SO happy!! so happy.

So.. have you ever realized that? If you ask for a sign or some help.. the same person always comes back into your life? Think about it... it's a very interesting thing... what does that mean for you? :)

Brightest Blessings,

Amanda