Right now

I should be sleeping... instead I'm hoping again for something that is a far off dream.  I'm talking to my dream boy via text and he sends me a text that says "I'm tired come hold me." Why...? I was fine just talking to him before that, but that makes me MISS him. I was thinking all day about him... I find myself thinking about him ALL day every few days. I can't talk to other guys... this is why I can't. I am pulled back in every time I hear from this boy. E-V-E-R-Y T-I-M-E. I love it, but I hate it. I think one of the main things is that... when we kissed. It was like no other kiss I have EVER experienced.  I haven't kissed many people in my short lifetime.. and I don't plan on kissing many more (outside of family, of course).. This was the most amazing kiss I have EVER dreamed of having. Maybe he's just a guy and knows his cards? Maybe I'm being tricked and pulled into something that I shouldn't be pulled into.  It was just... so odd because we both kissed the exact same way. I'm a vixen, let me tell you, and I have a way of kissing.  I have a science to it. I know what I'm doing in that field.. and I just never thought I could kiss someone who did the exact same way again. I just could not believe it. I think I'm still blown away by that... and how cute he was... if I kissed him while he was driving he would turn to me with the cutest little face and say "kiss me again! do it, do it, pleeeaaaseee" and would whine until I would.. and he would look at me instead of the road, which is dangerous.. so I would. He just CALMS my soul. calms me completely... just seeing him.. talking to him about anything.. I feel so relieved. Everything is going to be ok as long as he is there... my sister may think he's weird, but I think he's just like me. i know he's just like me... I feel like I'm not complete without him now.. since I met him. My great grandmother sent me him... I know she did after she passed away. I know she did. Is it too much of a dream? Am I caught in something lethal? Will this ever come to a new road.  Am I passing the new road? He always comes back...  I thought if I just stopped talking to him for a while everything would be ok, but it's not.. he always comes back. He ALWAYS messages me.  If I haven't talked to him in a while he will message me and ask why I haven't talked to him.  We don't even talk a lot... just a little bit.. It makes me want to cry... I know if he would just open up again it could be re-kindled. Or should it be? Is this just a friend thing? Am I just nuts? Am I crazy for thinking this? I don't know.  Did you ever say your bf or gf or sig. others name with yours to hear how it sounded? I always thought I would know when it was right for sure by that.  Mrs. Amanda ______. Amanda and Brandon.. I just think that sounds so right. Don't you? I don't know.. maybe no one will read this.  I am just lost right now.  I've been lost on this for a few years now... do I stay or do I go? I'm not sure... I do know that I should be getting ready for bed, but I'm typing this entry... and thinking about someone who is sleeping... in another state. I wish we were closer, so I could just FIND out for sure. I get so shy around him and so nervous though... and I feel like I look like such a slob now. I'm broken. He was right, he broke me. I never met someone who was SO similar to me... so I just... freaked out and broke. I don't know how to be me again. Am I me? Is this thought hindering who I am? Is this thought what's messing me up? Thinking that I'm not me... I've had readings done and they all say that I have a fog. I do. It's true... God. I just WANT to be with him. everyday... every night.. I want him. so bad. come on life, please give me a sign... Every person I know who is in a bad relationship meets a great person and then gets married and has the best time of their life. I thought this was like that... it has to be... If not, I'm lost... why couldn't that be me? Happy... It's been 2 years.. I think. Wow. It'll be 3 years since I broke up with my ex in 2 days. Wow. Time flies, huh? yep. I've changed a lot. for better or for worse.

Time for some helpful dreams and some thanks to the Universe...

Thank you.

Love Always,

amanda