I've been thinking a lot

This is a time of transformation in my life, for sure. I have been thinking a lot about what is going on with me. Throwing away the negative and depressive behaviors and bringing out the happy go-lucky person I am.

I'm thinking right now that I can be happy and fun until jealousy kicks in. I seem to have a HUGE thing with jealousy. I think it's a trait most women carry...? Right? :/ As soon as I pick up on something that someone else has that I don't... I shut down. I get so jealous! It's mainly in the realm of relationships as far as I can tell at this moment... but it just completely tears me down. and then I start to get insecure.. and then I think negative thoughts and put myself down.. and it just keeps going down hill.

jealousy is so stupid, but such an issue!

and even if it's not jealousy.. i'll compare myself to other people constantly and get super upset because I don't think I add up.. or that I am worth it.. and that I'll never find someone because I'm not worth their time.. why would they want me when there is someone more fun out there. All these terrible thoughts going through my mind.

Remaining invisible.. and undetectable has always been important to me. I never wanted to stick out, be the center of attention, or seek attention constantly.  Going to school for psychology i learned a lot about people who do things to get attention... so then I started to realize I was thinking all of these things of myself and I never wanted to be any of those things. So, when I start to act out.. I shut down right away because I don't want to people to think i'm looking for attention. It's so crazy! Every time I try to enjoy myself I tell myself to stop it. fail!

It was always my theory that when I met the right person, they would get to see all sides of me..  all the fun and all the great things.. but through the years I've realized... that was such a silly thought... because now I've lost me.  Because I tried to keep it a secret so long. I closed everything up and shut it all down because I didn't want to "waste my good personality" on the wrong people. and I didn't want to attract the wrong kind of people, which sounds crazy... doesn't it? but that was my thinking.

So now, I am opening the doors, the windows... and all the shutters. I'm not hiding my personality anymore.. I'm not keeping it locked up for someone special. How will I ever find someone special if I'm "saving" my personality for them? They will never see it. Truth? fact.

I have a beautiful smile! I'm going to freaking show it. I like to dance randomly, I'm going to do it. I love to sing. I'm going to sing. I love to laugh at things I remember from previous times... so i'm going to laugh.. i like to talk to myself out loud.. and i'm going to do it! i'm just going to be me, because that's what you're supposed to do in life. yah?

for sure.

I hope you are being you <3 p="p">
Love,
Amanda