I feel like i'm always being melodramatic. My emotions make big deals out of things that my mind is saying "shut up and get over it" to. I know I shouldn't be upset about siiiilllyyy things, but i always end up that way because sometimes i'd rather just be upset to take up time. I finish things quickly and if I want to be happy and such I can throw myself in that gear very easily, but when I do that... I am bored because there is so much empty space. To me, I feel like sadness takes up more space in life, which makes me feel good even though it's bad. Anyone understand what I mean?
Anyway, the point of this post is that it's my birthday. Yep, my good 'ol birthday. Usually I pass this day off, forget it on the calendar, forget my age, and go through the day like normal. This year I am fretting. It is my 23rd birthday and for the... 6th year in a row I am alone. Am I really alone? eh, not really, but I am alone in the aspect of not having someone to curl up next to and cuddle with on my birthday... and not having someone to sing me happy birthday with a smile on their face and an excitedness for me, just like i would be for theirs. Instead, on this birthday, I find myself pouring energy out into people hoping I can get some loving back. Is it working? Not really. haha. It's not supposed to work that way... if people are going to give me the lovin' energy, then they will on their own.
I know that when the "time is right" (actually i think that's bullshit) the right person will come around, but when is that? I know I should be patient and wait and just enjoy my life, but I am and now I try to fill up my time so badly that I fill it up with negativity because it feels FULL when I do that. and when you fill your life up with negativity there is no way in bonkersville that you're going to attract someone perfect for you!
My problem is that I am holding on. I am holding onto two guys right now. Why? Well I care about them a LOT. One guy I could see myself with forever. He is my other half.. recently he has been staying on AIM in order to talk to me more like we used to. Problem is, he lives in NC, I live in PA. This has been a... 3year-ish "thing" that has been on and off. Sometimes he is endearing and talks to me like he actually misses me and wants to be with me and other times he talks to me like he wants to get away. He'll ask me to come close, then push me away. Then, the times where I am trying to figure out what's going on and I just let him go, he always comes back to me asking where I am and why we're not talking. Is he just calling out to me when he is lonely? Does he see a future too? Am I just reaching out to him because I'm lonely? This is something I've been wanting to figure out, but since he lives so far away... there is no way to figure it out. If I could just figure it out, I know everything would be better. I could go back to knowing that we are awesome friends and that is good enough or knowing that WE have a future. Someone told him before that we would be perfect together. He told me this one day when he came to visit my family while we were on vacation. He was drinking.. and that's probably why he told me, because that's when he tells me things like that. Is he scared because he knows it is true? Am I making something out of nothing? I feel SO good when I'm with him... or at least I did before he cut off his emotions towards me. I dont know. I don't know. I've done reading among reading on this and I can not get any solid information. I keep getting answers like "just wait" and "explore this aspect or that aspect" and so on and so forth. What does it mean? Am I just putting all of my energy into this to take up space?
Then there is this other guy who also lives a world away, well he lives even further. Why am I tangled up in this mess? I'm not sure. I used to like him, then we stopped talking when he started dating someone else. Now he says he'll talk to me "all the time" and misses me and the next thing i know it's been 2 weeks without a word from him. I mean seriously... I know people get busy, but you can't take ONE second out of your day to respond to ONE text? It just drives me nuts. So I've kind of written this off in my head because it's stupid.
and. I know that I should trust that the right person will come to me and I've considered of doing some soul mate things to find my soul mate, but what if the soul mate I yearned to be with forever was guy number 1 up above and then the exercises put him out of my life? I'm just so scared. I'm not ready to let go. Why? I have no freaking idea. He just cares about me and is always there for me... and he is so sweet, but am I being played? He can't see me.. and doesn't have to talk to me everyday, but in the end I'll still be there. Am I being walked on? Should I let go?? How do I let go? I have to want to.. and I don't know if I want to until this is figured out, but while I'm figuring this out... it's holding me back from other possibilities.
It might sound silly but I just REALLY want to kiss someone, cuddle with someone, have someone to just... be with. I just want to share my love in a romantic way, but I am so loyal that I won't just go out and make out with some random person or cuddle with strangers... or do any other risky behavior things. I care about me and I want to make sure the next person I kiss and cuddle with is THE one. That is what I want. I want THE one. Then I think about it... and I'm like... do I really want THE one right now? and I'm not sure. I'm in a transition stage in my life... so would I be able to remain stable enough for THE one? I have no clue. Is this even the right time in my life? Then I think about how much I just want to be close to someone... and it makes me want to find THE one. I don't believe in casual dating... because I feel like that puts you on the line... you might miss THE one if you do things like that. and who wants to miss THE one?? Not me, for sure. I have so much love and passion to share... and I just want to share it with someone... i know that when I finally do find the one that i'm going to shower them with so much love it's going to be like a firework show. The cuddles and kisses... the sparks are just going to fly. I just want it... I want it so badly. I'm not sure how much longer I can keep all of this love inside of me.
If anyone read this, thank you so much... any thoughts? I appreciate it so, so much.
love you!!
- Amanda*
Oh dear! Poor you! I honestly can't offer any solutions to your problems, I'm afraid, nor any advice. I quite see why you're hanging onto Guy N°1 - and why you don't want to jeapardize what you have with him by looking for someone closer to home...but is he really "good" for you? Does he really make you happy? While he might have his own problems, and be unsure about his feelings for you, is it fair to keep you hanging around waiting for the crumbs of comfort that he gives you when HE feels like it?
ReplyDeleteOnly you can decide what to do. Only you can decide if these guys are treating you with the respect you deserve, & whether you are willing to put up with what they are offering you.
But I think maybe you should try some fun activities where you are that might lead to you meeting other guys. Even if they only stay as friends... But it's easy for me to say! I've been married 25 years!
f I knew why we Aries women are so romantic, I'd be a rich woman. If I could figure out guys, I'd be even richer.
ReplyDeletethank you two so much... I've really learned just recently that I need to stop forcing myself into things and making awkward strokes in the water, because that will only lead you to drown. I am accepting me, in every moment and every second.
ReplyDeleteand I've also let myself know again that he isn't the one for me. He may have been sweet once and he may have a lot in common with me, but we don't have the same beliefs in some things that are really important to me... and well, he doesn't treat me right ALL the time. If he was the one, he would treat me right... no matter what.
-- so I'm letting it go. I'm moving on (again) and I'm hoping to stick to it now. I am going to look inside myself for the answers and the support I need... and I'm going to step out into the world as me again, fully, 100% Amanda Christie! I'm letting that me out that was trapped inside for so long by chains of lies and negative thoughts..
and also, I think I've been denying myself a side to me that I want to see again. I used to date women and I haven't in 3 years since a terrrrrrible relationship, but I am going to open that door again! If I find a woman that tickles that fancy, then i'm sure as hell going to let her in. I am going to stop blocking people out. I'm going to let myself make friends and hang out and just have fun being ME!
Blessed Be!!!!!!!