Getting from where I am

I often think about how nice it would be to be care free and happy and smiling all the time.

I think at one point in my life I was able to put the stress behind me, not worry about what people think of me every second of the day, and live life without worrying about everything happening around me. 

I don't remember how to get to that point though. I think about when I am with friends or when I am out in general and how awkward I act.  I am always worried about what they may be thinking... about what I am doing, if I look pretty.. if a hair is out of place.. If i'm doing something weird. I'm always alert and conscious of myself and the things around me. I'm so worried that I can not be attentive to what is actually important in the moment and I spend time later thinking about how it would have been so nice to just breathe and relax in those moments... and enjoy them... instead of panicking, being nervous.. and not talking.

So, each day I am asking myself... how can I get from where I am right now.. to where I want to be.

I see myself happy, worry-free, enjoying each moment in my life... whether it be with my future children.. or with my friends at the park... or just hanging out at someone's house. I see myself happy and completely IN the moment.

How do I get there?

When I am in those situations I try to be in the moment... but then afterwards I feel like I was never actually there... like my body was there, but my spirit was elsewhere during the entire encounter.

How do we let go of our stresses... our insecurities... and our negativity in our everyday lives?

I want to let go and be happy.. and love every moment FULLY. instead of feeling that I pretended... or feeling like I wasn't being whole hearted in the moment...

I want to love with my whole heart again. I think that means I have to love myself whole heartedly first.  I have to be whole heartedly happy in what I am doing first...

but I also know that there is never a time when things will be perfect. Life will always throw curve balls. (I've surely learned that in the past month) and so I wonder, am I wasting time? I could be making decisions to be fully happy now, but am I? I think I chose happiness, but at the end of the day I feel so unfulfilled..

This is something I struggle with everyday.. and something that comes up in my thoughts every so often...

In life we don't always have to know the answers in order to solve the problems... we can solve the problems to find the answers.

Love,
Amanda