Transformation

 I've noticed since I've moved back to the East coast that I am in this stage of growth or transformation. I spend the bulk of my time alone and this has led to a lot of thinking about my life, decisions, myself... 

I miss California more than I thought I would. I think this is how things go though. You remember all the good things and somehow all the  memories of all the sad times and bad times goes away. I know that nothing was going to keep me in California when I decided to move. Now I wish something would've kept me there, but I also feel I was meant to come here. I just need to find things I love about it here. In California I had a favorite beach, a favorite mountain and a favorite spot to hang out on cliffs. 

In South Carolina there's a beach I like, but I don't feel the need to go there all the time. I haven't found any mountains to visit. I had a very rocky start here just in general. I also had a rocky start in California and after my first year it got better. I know that I can make it out here, but it's hard when I think back on all that I loved in Cali. 

What I have in South Carolina and love is: my big apartment, a dog park for Farah to play in everyday, my parents are very close, my sister lives about a 10 hour drive away, I have my brother even though I don't see him, I have a job even if it's not great, I have a part time job that exhausts me but is helping me stay on track with bills...

In Cali I had a good job that paid the bills, paid off debt and made me feel very secure. I had a very small apartment with very high rent. I had a lot of friends, but I really didn't see them much. I had a favorite beach, favorite mountain and favorite cliff. I could just drive at the drop of a hat and see amazing views and love where I went. I was also very alone and my mental health was going crazy there. 

Next month I take my social work licensure exam. I am hoping that by January I'll be in a better FT job where I can feel more secure. I have a part time job right now and I'm hoping that I'll be able to leave that job too. Having 2 jobs is hard, I have done it before, but it is still challenging. I am always willing to do whatever it takes to get things done, even if it's a huge hit on my mental health. 

I think part of my struggle is not having a great therapist. It leaves me with no one to talk to about how I'm really feeling... and my mental health is really not doing great. I'm just holding on for the next month until my test and then will be taking next steps. 

This post was a bit all over the place because my frame of mind kept changing, but I do feel a bit better than I did when I started the post, so it was successful.

Take care ~