What's in the past?

 Do you find yourself looking to the past? 

I don't know why, but I am often thinking about the past. I mean, I do pretty much everyday. I just remember the times where I used to be endlessly happy, cheerful and full of joy. I miss those times. I'm not sure if my mental health stole those days from me, if it was my medication or if I ever really was that way? 

I find myself looking back at old blog posts and reminiscing on happy moments in my past. I think it's normal to think about your past every once in a while, but I'm not so sure it's "normal" or "good" to think about your past everyday. 

I guess after so many let downs I'm just afraid to think about the present or the future because I don't know how I could handle more disappointment. 

Also I wonder, is it odd that I always check back into my blog when I need to process something? To me it feels ok, but I wonder if it's weird? Should I care? 

I just feel like I used to have so much happiness in my life. I used to be fun to be around and now I feel I am just depressing. Sometimes I hate myself. Sometimes I love myself. 

Sometimes I feel gagged, like I can't speak or let my thoughts out. 

I've been in therapy for years. I wish I could just fix this already. I wish I could figure out what it is that holds me back. I miss me.