The Ilusion Solution

Starting.

Life is full of starts and stops. You can never be quite sure where a start or stop will lead you. Everyday choices seem to have one reason when you make them, but in time you see others that happened because of your choice. 

Lately I've been noticing how things "happen for a reason." I've noticed how things don't always go as you want, but in the end there was a reason. 

I moved. My depression was taking over my life and I was alone or I felt alone. I moved closer to family. I wanted to be close to see my nieces and nephews grow up instead of flying cross country once a year and missing out on their lives. I moved to be close to my mom, who I hadn't lived near for 10 years. 

I had many reasons.

The first several months after the move I was shown some other reasons. Reasons that I had been in denial about... things weren't as they seemed, my relationship with my brother wasn't getting better, people weren't who I thought they were. The support system I moved to be closer to crumbled. 

I find myself holding my arms out with my palms facing up towards the sky with tears streaming down my cheeks, asking why and for this to please not happen.

Why has being closer put more distance where I craved closeness? Why is the moat around the castle getting wider? Why isn't the bridge long enough to cross it? Why aren't these two things growing together, if they have to even grow at all? 

Quick stepping? Why? Why are things falling apart? Why are things not what I thought they would be? Where is the security? Why was this meant to happen? 

Running. Ran. Safe? I had to run. The heavy boulders that come with depression were piling on again. There was so much confusion and disbelief. 

Then, out of nowhere came a decision to save myself. A new castle, with a smaller moat and a safer draw bridge. 

The thing is, this new castle just recently became safe. Someone had some hard blows in their life that led them out of a job they had for a long time. It caused them to look into a new line of work, which led them to this castle. If those things didn't happen in that person's life, I wouldn't have my own castle. 

Sometimes it feels like I'm in a trance and just watching these things work out. As soon as I learn more facts about a situation I just see it all clicking into place. I can almost physically hear it clicking into place. 

Is this normal? Am I normal? Do I want to be normal? 

Is life an illusion?