Something

Right now I'm doing something I haven't done in a long time... posting a blog.

I used to blog a lot. I like to write to process things and to move through situations.

Right now I'm going through something new. Something that I didn't quite expect to be going through, but here I am. It's the end of an 'era' for me. I'm moving in new directions. Since I've moved to California in 11/2015 I have been experiencing a lot of new things. I've lived in many places, I've met many people and now I'm on to another new thing. It's interesting. I didn't expect this. I had really no idea what to expect moving across the country by myself. I do love it. Actually, I absolutely adore and love it tremendously. This is who I am... I like to move around, I like to travel, I like to be outside and experience as many new things as I am able to. California really speaks to my spirit.

This has been a tough year for me... many hard times have come upon my family. I've flown to the east coast 3 times this year... unexpectedly. First my dad was in the hospital for problems with his heart, then to visit my grandma who was becoming more ill as the days went by... and then my most recent visit was because my grandma passed away. With my grandma's passing, even though it was difficult, I was awakened to something... I'm not happy. My life is pretty miserable. I make the most of it, because I always do... but it occurred to me that she would not want me to live this way.. being unhappy everyday in my life. My grandma was a radiant person. She spread love every where she went.. she was giving.. she even invited a homeless man to Thanksgiving one year. She would give her last dollar to someone who needed it... or even if you  just asked for it, she would give it to you. She was a wonderful woman. Her passing has brought clarity to my life. It's made me aware of the changes I need to make to be who I used to be... the giving, loving person that my grandma taught me to be... the person I became because of all of the love she gave me.

Now I've decide to make some changes. Change is scary.

Change sounds so good until it's time to jump... and then you want to step back. I can be very spontaneous and I can jump quite well when I feel it. The problem is... those moments where you're not feeling it, but you still know you have to do it. Those are the moments that can ruin you and ruin the opportunities you have to come.

I'm at a point right now where I keep wavering between jumping and taking a few steps back. That's ok though. It is completely ok to take a step back and make sure this is what you really want. The thing is... if you've come to the conclusion that this is what you want when you are confident... then there is a good chance that this is what you should do -- you're just having a moment of weakness. Weakness can be hard... standing up against that and regaining your strength can take time. I've been crawling for a long time... avoiding the edge like the plague. I've done more than take a step back. I've gone a whole football field away. And then still in my moments of strength, I see what I need and there I am at the ledge again, ready to jump -- ready to take that leap of faith. I know what is good. I know what is on the other side. When you're comfortable, it can be hard to let that go... even when it's not the best thing for you. I feel like comfort is the evil villain and change is the superhero. It can be hard to go with the superhero, because even though it feels right.. you don't know what to expect and those thoughts of comfort keep you at bay. If you're in that bay, I suggest climbing on the next ship out of there and being your own superhero... create your own change, because change is the only constant in this life.

Love always,

me